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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

Let's get away from death and watch some Voyager!

Child's Play - The Borg kids (and Naomi) put on a science fair. Seven is proud of them, particularly Icheb, but Janeway tells her Voyager has found his parents. Seven struggles to tell him at first and, when she finally does, Icheb tells her he isn't sure he wants to leave. Voyager arrives at Icheb's world and finds it suffers constant Borg attacks. The Doctor diagnoses Icheb with anxiety before he beams down to meet his parents. Icheb acts frosty with them (His dad is Mark A. Sheppard, following in his father's guest starring footsteps. His mum is...hot?) and asks to return to Voyager. Seven clashes with Icheb's parents as she believes they should leave the planet to avoid the constant Borg attacks. Janeway inites the parents to stay on Voyager to get to know Icheb then argues with Seven, who wants Icheb to stay on Voyager for his own protection. Janeway points out that Seven is really mad at her own careless parents and Seven admits that's true. Seven forces Icheb to have dinner with his parents. It's not long before Icheb's smiling and enjoying the meal. Seven still has mixed emotions.

Icheb visits the planet and tells Seven he wants to stay the night. She prepares a portable regeneration unit for him and quizes Icheb's father on how Icheb was assimilated. He tells a story (it's a lie!) and blames himself for what happened. Icheb watches the stars with his parents and they pretty obviously convince him to stay. Icheb tells Seven of his decision and she clearly isn't happy but doesn't try to stop him. Mezoti can't sleep (regenerate) because she misses Icheb and tells Seven she hopes they never find her parents. Mezoti reveals an incosistency in the story Icheb's dad told of his assimilation. Seven discovers more lies and tells Janeway, wishing to return to the planet to check on Icheb. Janeway thinks Seven is just being over protective but Seven convinces her to return. We cut to Icheb's mum and dad having a sinister argument: he's arguing that Icheb should be allowed to live but she wants to sacrifice him in some way. They knock Icheb out. Voyager returns to find that Icheb's on a ship flying straight for the Borg transwarp conduit. His parents reveal that Icheb was bred to carry a pathogen that kills the Borg (remember when they found him earlier in the season it was on a disabled Cube. Rare continuity!) Voyager goes after him and is attacked by a Borg Sphere. They manage to blow the sphere up by beaming a torpedo onto Ichbe's ship before it's tractor beamed inside (after beaming the lad back to Voyager.) Iched studies his own DNA back on Voyager and defends his parents to Seven, aruging that they were just trying to defend their species. He wonders if his parents will ever forgive him for failing to destroy the sphere. Seven tells him he's an individual and can choose his own destiny, not a weapon.

As usual, Jeri Ryan is great. Icheb's actor does a decent job too showing his mixed feelings towards his parents. The problem is the episode spends a lot of time with the parents seeming like nice people before revealing right at the end that they were going to kill their son. It would have been nice to spend a bit more time with them after that, to see a bit more of their point of view (and have Janeway tell them how fucked up they are.) Or just see their whole planet assimilated by the Borg. Anyway, it's a good enough episode.

SCORE: 7.5/10


Good Shepherd - We start with a really exterior shot of the ship going all the way into Janeway's Ready Room. The crew are preparing for a mission and we follow a never before seen Bajoran girl bring some data on a PADD from Seven to B'Elanna (because they can't send data electronically or something), then some other guy brings a padd to a guy sitting on his own. We zoom out to see that this guy is at the very bottom of the ship, whereas Janeaway was the top. It's a cool open. Seven does a perofrmance review for the whole crew. She points out that B'Elanna has stuck a the super genius guy (Harren) from the opening in Dec 15 but B'Elanna says he wants to be there. She also brings up that the Doctor wastes time treating Billy, a hypochondriac. And Seven's performance score also suffers because of the Bajoran girl (Celes) is really bad at astrometics. Janeway finds that none of the three have ever been on an away mission (or been seen in an episode before!) and is disappointed in herself for letting them slip through the cracks. She tells all three they'll be going on an away mission with her. She nearly gets lost going to see Harren. None of the three really want to go. Seven tells Janeway that Celes will put them all in danger because she's bad at her job but Janeway reveals that she intends to be the "good shepherd" (the name of the episode!) that looks after her flock. Paris tries to make friends with Harren to show B'Elanna it's possible but Harren just makes Tom feel stupid. Billy has another hypochondric episode. The Doc tells him that the away mission will take his mind off it. The away mission begins with Janeway and the three misfits on the Delta Flyer. Janeway and Harren kind of have a nature versus nurture debate. He was only suppposed to be on Voyager for a year.

The DF is hit by a space distortion and part of the hull ripped off. They can only travel at 1/8 impulse (that's slow!) The DF was possibly hit by a "dark matter comet" something Harren just happened to have written a paper on (and Janeway read.) Janeway and Celes talk as they examine the section of hull plating. Celes tells Janeway she's right to always be looking over her shoulder. Celes thinks she only got through the Academy because of the "sympathy vote" Bajorans receieve. Janeway thinks she's just too hard on herself and there's more to duty than being good with numbers. Billy continues to freak out and Harren finds him annoying (so do I.) Voyager heads for a gas giant but experiences more space distortions. Harren is convinced it the dark matter comet but there's not enough evidence for Janeway. Billy suddenly disappears. He returns with some kind of worm alien inside him. Janeway thinks it's some kind of "dark matter lifeform." Of course! Janeway asks Harren if he feels any bond with the rest of the crew. He just says she doesn't know him at all. Voyager picks up a its own distress call, sent back to them by the aliens in an attempt to communicate. The worm thing jumps out of Billy and messes with the ship's systems. Harren kills it. Janeway thinks it was trapped in the DF against its will. The DF is attacked again and Janeway starts doing the technobabble thing that'll get the warp core working. Billy reveals that his fear of everything has been cured by the alien. That was lucky! Janeway thinks it's because he faced the unknown for the first time. The aliens continue to attack. Janeway orders the other three to leave in the escape pods but Celes and Billy refuse to go. Harren leaves in a pod but actually he's distracting the aliens so the DF can get away. The DF gets away by blowing up some rocks (I don't know) and even manages to save Harren just in time. Everyone gets back to Voyager okay and Janeway tells Chakotay (remember that guy?) that she found her lost sheep.

It's a good Janeway episode with a few problems. The new characters are all pretty decent. Billy is the lesser of the three because he feels like a less interesting Barclay and Harren seems like the one with the most potential. The problem is that, in another show, this episode would be introducing them as new recurring characters but on Voyager we'll never see them again. Yes I know Celes appears one more time (in a bad episode) but that's not enough for me! Her scene talking to Janeway about the "sympathy vote" is a good one and really all three (even Billy) could have had more to offer. The episode also ends a bit abruptly with Janeway just waking up on Voyager and thinking she might have made a difference and the viewer not knowing for sure if she has and knowing that we'll never find out. For the most part thought it is good and probably the best Janeway has been all season.

SCORE: 8/10
 
Live Fast and Prosper - Two aliens in fake Starfleet uniforms claiming to be Janeway and Tuvok introduce themselves to some miner aliens. It soon becomes clear that they're con artists, though the guy pretending to be Tuvok is really into the role. They leave the planet without giving the miners the dilithium they promised. The real Voyager is experiencing malfunctions, but also Tom and Harry have played another unfunny practical joke on Tuvok (grow up!) B'Elanna finds the malfunctions are Neelix's fault because he installed a new component he got from a nun who claimed it would help orphaned children (classic Neelix.) One of the miner aliens shows up demanding the dilithium he's owed. Janeway sees a recording of the Fake Janeway and soon figures out it's the same woman who conned Neelix posing as a nune (there's a flashback to Neelix and Tom being conned which I guess is supposd to be funny but it's just a waste of time.) Turns out the nun/fake Janeway learned everything she knows about Voyager from Neelix. He's a complete liability. Janeway explains everything to the mine boss and he wonders how Tom and Neelix could have been so easily fooled (a good question, Tuvok points out) but agress to team up. Fake Janeway works on conning another alien in her dingy fake Delta Flyer by offering him membership of the Federation.

Tom and Neelix try to prove that they're not idiots by conning the Doctor with the "guess which cup the nut is under" game. The Doc easily sees through their ruse because they're idiots. The latest victim of the con captures the fake DF in a tractor beam because he's smarter than Tom and Neelix, and it's then that the real Voyager shows up. He stupidly fires on Voyager instead of listening to the real Janeway, but Voyager manages to capture the Fake Janeway before the Fake DF flies away (because Voyager is really bad at transporting people.) Janeway and Tuvok talk to Fake Janeway in the Brig and Janeway has Tuvok lie about how bad the alien prison she'll be sent to is. Neelix brings dinner to Fake Janeway and asks if she ever feels guilty. Neelix tells her he used to be a con artist too (he doesn't mention that he used to sleep with a one year old) but Janeway and Voyager changed him. She wonders if she could change too and Neelix agrees to put in a good word for her, but she's just conning him and breaks out of the Brig. She steals the real Delta Flyer (which she conveniently knows how to fly) and returns to her own ship. What she doesn't know is that Voyager was conning her and Tom and the Doc are hiding in the back of the Flyer. Fake Janeway argues with her second in command who doesn't trust her now. The Doc makes himself look like Fake Janeway and shoots the second in command. There's a funny bit where Fake Tuvok meets real Tuvok before being captured. Neelix and Tom successfully fool the Doc in a "nut under the cup" rematch and claim they've still got it.

Is this supposed to be a comedy episode? I think so, because there's really no way to do "Voyager imposters!" as a serious episode. Yet for the most part it just isn't funny. It's dull. Yeah, the Fake Tuvok is kind of amsuing a couple of times but that's not enough to carry a whole episode. The really long flashbck in the middle bored me to tears. The Fake Janeway isn't really interesting or smart enough to be a worthy adversary. I didn't like it very much.

SCORE: 4.5/10


Muse - In some kind of alien play, a chorus recite a Captain's log. They tell the story of how a poet found B'Elanna Torres on their planet. The poet's patron demands more stories of Voyager and pays the poet for them. The poet (Kelis) has B'Elanna tied up in a the Delta Flyer (yes it's crashed again.) B'Elanna has to guide him through using a med kit to help her with her wounds. Kelis thinks she's an "enternal" (movie coming next year!) He's been listening to her logs for material for his first play (why does the Universal Translator translate them for him?) and wants more stories from B'Elanna, but then he cutes her free she chases him away with a phaser. B'Elanna can't get her shuttle to take off and Kelis brings her food. B'Elanna tells him more about Voyager in exchange for food. B'Elanna asks Kelis to get her dilithium but only his patron has any. He steals some for her anyway and B'Elanna gives him more stories. Back on Voyager, Tom wants to run off and look for B'Elanna but Janeway and the others tell him to be sensible, etc (it's the standard "someone is missing" scene.) Kelis's actors struggle to portray complicated characters like Seven and Tuvok. B'Elanna needs more parts for her shuttle and promises Vulcan stories in exchange. Tuvok stays up all night searching for B'Elanna (and Harry who is missing too, but who cares about him.) Kelis yells at the actor playing Tuvok for showing emotion.

An enemy of the patron declares war, but Kelis thinks he can stop it before the fighting starts with a good enough story and needs B'Elanna's help. B'Elanna comes to the stage with Kelis, posing as a fellow poet (Kelis's girlfriend is not happy.) Kelis thinks the story is too simple and wants to put loads of twists and tricks in, but an old man tells him to find the truth in his story. B'Elanna is stunned when Kelis shows her that he's had Chakotay and Janeway hook up in his story. He hokes Tom and Seven up too. B'Elanna wonders what the point of the random sex is. Kelis says it's to make his patron and his rival see that love is more powerful than war. B'Elanna doesn't think that random kissing happens like that during conflict. Kelis decides to put on a story where Janeway makes peace with the Borg Queen. Kelis's girlfriend confronts B'Elanna as she's figured out who she really is. She threatens to expose B'Elanna as an eternal if she doesn't leave. Then Harry comes running out of the woods and hugs B'Elanna. Keeping Harry in the woods for most of the episode is good use of Harry. B'Elanna and Harry finally get the Flyer working together and send a message to Voyager. The cast complain to Kelis about the nonsensical ending to his play. Tuvok falls asleep on the Bridge and snores. The play begins and there's a shock twist that Seven is actually the Borg Queen! And Janeway knows it! B'Elanna receives a note from Kelis begging her to return (threatneing to kill her character) and B'Elanna goes back even though Voyager's about to arrive. The real B'Elanna appears in the play and the girlfriend runs on shouting that she's an eternal. The chorus cleverly act like this is just part of the play. B'Elanna is beamed out and the patron and his enemy are impressed and presumably decided not to kill each other.

It's very obivously an episode about tv writing and maybe that meta aspect could put people off. But I think it works because Dawson finds the truth in the story (like the old man said!) and really makes you believe B'Elanna cares about Kelis and his play. It's always good to see B'Elanna in a story that isn't just Klingon crap too! This is a thoughtful episode that doesn't rely on the cheap writing stricks that its makes fun of and it's all the better for it.

SCORE: 9/10
 
I LOVED Muse. It could have been a lot more self-indulgent, but the writers kept their heads up instead.

Sci-Fi/Fantasy and Mythology are family under the skin.
 
Side note: BBC America is now running a promo ad during the Doctor Who marathon -- Deep Space Nine premieres on the channel sometime in January.

This is good news, since lately (outside streaming) the show has only been available on a digital sub-sub-channel that not many providers carry.
 
Eggs Mayonnaise said:
Side note: BBC America is now running a promo ad during the Doctor Who marathon -- Deep Space Nine premieres on the channel sometime in January.
This is good news, since lately (outside streaming) the show has only been available on a digital sub-sub-channel that not many providers carry.
Click to expand...
UPDATE: A few DS9 episodes are on tonight as part of a "Best Space Battles" marathon, and then the show starts airing on its own January 20th.
 
Fury - Janeway learns of Tuvok's birthday and replicates a cake for him. This scene is good so enjoy it while you can! Voyager is hailed by an aged Kes who then suddenly fucking rams the ship with her shuttle. Old Lady Kes walks around the ship making things explode and killing people with her mind. She sticks her hands in the warp core, drawing power from it, kills B'Elanna (fuck!) and travels back in time (disguising herself as a younger woman.) She's gone all the way back to season one and I'll just point out one time that Jennifer Lien does not look the same as she did in season one yet no one notices. Then again, none of the cast look exactly the same as they did five years earlier. The Doctor is still trying to pick a name because they hadn't forgotten that plot point yet. Evil Future Kes knocks out Season One Kes to take her place. Neelix tries to make her smile and Evil Kes is angry. Ensign Wildman(!) makes an appearance because it's the past and she's still alive...wait. She's still alive in the present day too! Anyway, Voyager is currently dealing with the Vidiians. The crew try to come up with a way to get through Vidiian space and Tuvok strangely mentions the Delta Flyer, which hasn't been built yet. Kes looks at a picture of her homeworld in a shuttle and Tom wonders if she's planning to run off. Tuvok has visions of Naomi Wildman and Seven if Nine, but when he walks into Seven's cargo bay there's only Joe Carey (BECAUSE IT'S THE PAST, EVEN THOUGH THE CHARACTER IS STILL ALIVE IN THE PRESENT, ARGH) there. Kes has conflicting feelings about Neelix and gets angry and calls the Vidiians. She tells them how to take Voyager in exchange for safe passage home for her and younger Kes. Tuvok tells Janeway of his weird visions.

Tuvok asks to be relieved when he has another vision on the Bridge. Janeway asks the Doc if Samatnah Wildman is pregnant, in order to verify if Tuvok's vision is a premonition. The Doc confirms it (even though she actually didn't find out until the end of season two.) Tuvok goes into one of his Vulcan comas he goes into every season. Janeway and the Doc detect tachyons in his brain or something. Voyager is disabled by the Vidiians. They drop their big claw thing onto Voyager to board the ship and the special effects look really good, the second redeeming quality of the episode. Janeway catches the two Keses trying to escape (well, the good one is unconscious.) Future Kes "explains" that Janeway took young Kes from her home as a child and kept her prisoner on the ship (confirming that Kes was a child in season one and Neelix is a paedo.) She says Janeway corrupted her with ideas of exploration and encouraged her with powers she couldn't control. That's...not what really happened. Kes's powers came on by themself out of nowhere and she chose to leave Voyager to protect them. Voyager escapes the Vidiian claw (again it looks good) and Chuckles steals Sulu's "tear her apart then!" line like the asshole he is. Janeway kills Evil Kes. Janeway and Tuvok tell Good Kes they need her help to stop her future self going evil again. We return to the birthday scene. Evil Kes shows up again. Janeway no has knowledge of what's about to happen and takes security measures. She never let Chakotay in on any of this by the way. This time when Evil Kes gets to the warp core she sees a message from her younger self who tells her how fucking stupid she is (but in a nicer way.) Old Kes now remembers that everything she believed was wrong. Janeway suggests that she go home to Ocampa.

So...in season one an older version of Kes showed up and nealry killed everyone and Janeway's known about it all along but the viewer never got to see it That's what I'm getting from this. They convinced Jennifer Lien to come back (befor the script was finished) by telling her there was a great reason for the episode to exist. There wasn't. It just makes Kes look insane. There's nothing convincing at all about her "fury" towards Voyager. The show has over-used time travel more than any other Trek at this point so there isn't even any fun to be had from that aspect. It's just a bad and somewhat nasty episode. IT'S AN ABORTION.

SCORE: 1.5/10
 
Life Line - Reg Barclay arrives at Jupiter Station to see his mentor Doctor Zimmerman, who looks a lot rougher than he did in DS9. Because he's dying. Starfleet manages to send a message to Voyager, using Barclay's Pathfinder array, the first of planned monthly transmissions. And Voyager's able to send messages home too. The Doctor receives the news of Zimmerman's illness and thinks he can help (Zimmerman's disease is conveniently similar to the Phage.) The Doctor wants to visit the Alphan Quadrant for a month to help Zimmerman, but Janeway states this would take up all the data they have for the month and no one would be able to send a message. Err, what? Surely a letter home would use only a small fraction of the space the Doc would? How about just having the Doc memorise everyone's letters? It's silly but whatever, Janeway eventually agrees to send the EMH. And Seven does have to delete his ability to sing to make room. And his cock. The Doc is disappointed to be going home without his cock as he wanted to impress Zimmerman. Barclay presents the Doc to Zimmerman, who is unimpressed by the EMH Mark 1 and doesn't think he'll be any help. Zimmerman reveals that the Mark 1's are obsolete and have been reconfigured to scrub plasma barges (or something.) Zimmerman has a talking holographic iguana named Leonard by the way! They argue and Zimmerman kicks the Doc out. Zimmerman continues to refuse treatment. The Doc is annoyed by Zimmerman's holographic fly and thinks Zimmerman needs a counselor. HMMM. Janeway shows Chuckles a message from the First Contact Admiral where he asks for an update on the Maquis. Janeway had forgotten all about them!

The Doc disguises himself as a sexy masseuse to get some scans of Zimmerman. Troi arrives at the station and tries to make peace between them. Troi ends up thinking they're both jerks (after like a three minutes convesation.) Troi quickly notices that Zimmerma's cute assistant Haley is a hologram too, and she's been running even longer than the EMH Mark 1. Haley and Reg tell Troi how Zimmerman was devastated when the EMH Mark 1 failed and didn't design any of the later models to look like himself. Zimmerman's illness grows worse and he records a will. The Doc's program starts to destabilised. Only Zimmerman can save him! If you think Troi, Barclay and Haley set this up, you are right. Zimmerman doesn't want to repair him because he's so old and Haley wonders if he feels the same way about her. Zimmerman eventually agrees to fix the EMH and also wants to make improvements to his program. Zimmerman finally opens up and talks about how humiliating it is that there's thousands of holograms out there scrubbing toilets with his face. Couldn't he just have asked Starfleet to change the face? Would be pretty easy! The Doc finally gets to do some important scans of Zimmerman and Zimmerman agrees to go ahead with the treatment the Doc came up with. Reg takes a holophoto of Zimmerman and the EMH before he goes home.

It's a good episode but I did find Picardo's acting slightly annoying at times with the shouting and the being irritated. There was just a bit too much of it, maybe. He's good in the quieter scenes and it is impressive that he's playing two characters at once and you don't really notice. Reg doesn't really do much but he's always likable, Troi was fun and Haley was a good guest character.

SCORE: 8/10


The Haunting of Deck Twelve - Neelix is scared of the dark and talks with Seven about "what happened last time" without revealing what it is. Voyager turns its power off after encountering a weird space thing. Neelix babysits the scared Borg kids (no Naomi), who want to know why Deck 12 is off limits. Mizoti thinks it's haunted. Neelix tells them the story of what happened to Deck 12. This is a flashback story to Voyager traveling through a similar nebula and Neelix telling Tuvok he's scared of them (something that's never come up before.) Icheb points out a mistake Neelix makes in the technobabble, possibly a commentary on internet fans. Something happens in the nebula and a "stowaway" comes onboard. There's weird malfunctions on Voyager, just like always. The ship starts flying in circles (another thing I'm sure has happened several times before.) There's more boring standard malfunctions with Neelix trying to make them sound exciting. Celes from 'Good Shephard' makes a short appearance in a scene with Seven. IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!!! RECURRING CHARACTERS!!!!! Seven gets knocked out by a weird cloud. Neelix gets scared by the lights flickering. Didn't he fight in a war?

More stuff happens. Celes (TWICE IN ONE EPISODE!!) hits Harry because it's dark. Neelix continues to be scared of the dark. This is dragging horribly. Poor Tuvok gets stuck with Neelix, who is obviously very annoying. Honestly I'm just going to stop recapping this. It's just Neelix narrating a dull episode. I don't care. The alien communicaties with Janeway and Seven. It gets angry when its nebula disappears. Janeways eventually convinces the alien not to kill everyone and it's lived on Deck 12 ever since. Until now when it's let loose on a new nebula.

Yeah this was boring as fuck. Were they running short on scripts this season? A result of Ron Moore quitting, maybe? Because we got TWO IRISH EPISODES and then 'Live Fast and Prosper' and this which both feel like they were written in five minutes. This one is just as boring a "weird alien takes over the ship!" episode as you could imagine, complete with scenes of the crew wandering around corridors that feel like they belong in season two. The framing device is just the kids interrupting Neelix every couple of minutes to ask a stupid question. I don't care. I JUST DON'T CARE.

SCORE: 2/10
 
The only thing I remember about The Haunting of Deck Twelve is that when the BBC first showed it, it was when they had also just started doing a complete re-run of TNG. So after they showed that episode they showed the season 1 TNG episode "Lonely Among Us"... which is literally the same episode.
 
Unimatrix Zero: Part One - The Borg are back! Again. The Queen tells a drone he has a disease (while she's being put in her body like in 'First Contact', because people liked it then.) The drone can't or won't help so she has him taken apart. Seven has a dream (apparently her first, but surely she had them when she was a child?) in a forest where a man calls her "Annika." She tells the Doctor to repair her so she doesn't dream again. Tom finds a box on his seat with a rank pip inside it. He's getting promoted back to his old rank for being a good boy. Harry says "I didn't notice a little box on my chair" but nobody really reacts before we move on to the next thing. Voyager responds to a distress signal by a colony wiped out by the Borg. Seven has another dream in the forest where the man (Axum) tells her she isn't dreaming, she's in "Unimatrix Zero." It's a virtual construct drones can visit when they're regenerating and regain their individuaity. It's a bit like the movie 'The Matrix' but not as interesting. Seven has a one in a million mutation (of course) that let her visit when she was in a drone (she can't remember it now.) Axum wants her help in stopping the Queen from shutting Unimatrix Zero down. Seven starts to remember some of the other drones she was friends with. There's a standard angry Klingon and a woman who was assimilated at Wolf-359. The Voyager writers really don't understand what happened at Wolf-359 do they. Seven tells Janeway she wants to help and Tuvok comes up with the idea of mind melding Seven and Janeway so Kathryn can talk to Axum and the others. The Doc does his usual "mind melds can't be trusted!" thing he does every time even though the mind meld always ends up working perfectly. Janeway finds the Seven in The Matrix has no Borg implants and wears actual clothes.

The Queen decides to visit Unimatrix Zero while Janeway talks to Axum. She wants the drones in UZ to start a revolution against the rest of the Borg in the real world. But then virtual drones show up and start virtually assimilating people (which doesn't really make sense but whatever.) Janeway beats up a drone with a bat'leth while the Queen watches on tv. Yeah. Janeway wants to help UZ. Sinece it's a season finale, she expects Chakotay to refuse to help, but Chakotay actually thinks it's a good idea and agrees with her. The Doc makes a biological virus because it's a season finale. Janeway tells Seven she liked how human Seven seemed in UZ. Seven learns that she and Axum were lovers inside UZ. Janeway plans to board a tactical cube to release the virus in the "central plexus" or whatever. Chakotay persuades her to take Tuvok and B'Elanna with her after they volunteer. The Borg Queen appears on the viewscreen and the Bridge looks all flashing green because the lights are out for some reason. The Queen offers Voyager a lift home but Janeway refuses. She says "see you real soon, Harry" before ending her call and Harry's like "what's the meaning of that!" but everyone ignores him again. I remember at the time being convinced that this and the earlier box comment MUST have been the beginning of some ongoing story for Harry, that he would betray Voyager and join the Borg because they'd give him a promotion. Or something. In reality they were just two throwaway lines the writers stuck in there to make people think they were actually going to do something with Harry. Seven tells Axum that their relationship is irrelevant as the UZ drones prepare for their part in the plan. Voyager attakcs the tactical cube while Janeway, Tuvok and B'Elanna apparently try to board it from the Delta Flyer. The Flyer is BLOWN UP just as the Away Team beam onto the cube. But all three are easily defeated by the Borg and assimilated! Voyager seems to be losing but Chakotay says "so far so good" and orders them to retreat. The episode ends with the "shocking" reveal of Janeway, Torres and Tuvok as drones.

The episode isn't exactly bad but Voyager is feeling really tired at this point. It's all been done before: the Borg, the Queen, drones struggling with their individuality. The cliffhanger which was much more effective on TNG ten years earlier. The idea of Unimatrix Zero itself is fairly good at least, and Seven is always good. The rest of the characters just kind of feel like they're going through the motions though.

SCORE: 6/10


Unimatrix Zero: Part Two - Despite being assimilated and having cybernetic parts added to their bodies, Tuvok and B'Elanna have retained their personalities. It was all part of the plan! It's lucky they didn't have either of their arms chopped off and replaced by BORG HOOKS or like some Borg have! Seven enters Unimatrix Zero and the bland Klingon tells her Axum is missing. Janeway, Torres and Tuvok have whispered conversations which none of the drones notice (and you'd think the Queen would be watching Janeway.) Tuvok briefly hears Borg voices and the Queen senses him then wonders why she can't hear them. Seven is caught in an Ewok net in the forest and Axum frees her. Seven doesn't want Axum to know she's glad to see him because blah blah blah repressed Borg emotion crap. Janeway and friends try to carry out their mission while the Queen tries to find them. Tom goes to Chakotay and says he's first officer with everyone else off the ship (shows how badly crewed Voyager is!) and wants Chakotay to do more to ensure B'Elanna's safety. The Queen manages to take over Tuvok's brain. Surely as a Vulcan he should be the least likely to be comprimised? The bad drones chase Janeway and Torres while Voyager chases te cube to rescue them. The Borg get Voyager's access codes from Tuvok (the traitor) so Chakotray has to order a retreat. The Queen speaks to a hologram of Janeway (made to look human) to tell her that it's Janeway's fault all the rebel Borg are being killed. The Queen starts blowing up whole Borg ships just to kill the few on each who are part of UZ. Janeway still won't tell her how to stop the virus.

Drones begin to retain their memories of UZ as the virus is working. Sevevn tells the Doctor she has feelings for Axum and he's hurt that she's fallen for someone other than him. But he tries to convince her to go for it with Axum anyway because he must be a good guy if Seven likes him. UZ plans their revolution and Seven wants them to rescue the Voyager away team too. The Klingon doesn't want to because he's boring but Axum calls him a coward and the usual happens. Axum reveals to Seven that in the real world he's on the other side of the galaxy so they can never meet for real. Seven and Axum kiss. The Borg Queen shows up in UZ and tells a child she's just there to help them. The Queen tells the child she was his age when she was assimilated and at first it was scary, but hearing the collective helped her be brave. It's actually quite a good scene because the Queen doesn't act all scary. Now that the Queen knows where UZ is, she gives Janeway and ultimatium: persuade all the drones in UZ to come home or the Queen will kill them with her own evil virus. Neelix is on tactical on Voyager at this point by the way. The state of that ship. Janeway appears on Voyager as a hologram and tells Chakotay and Seven that UZ can no longer exist. Of course Janeway's speaking in secret code like Kirk sometimes did. The Klingon from UZ shows up in a sphere he's taken command of. UZ is shut down but the drones retain their memories, safe from the Queen and Janeway says "I don't compromise with BORG!" in one of those attempts at a badass line they give her sometimes (it's okay.) Seven and Axum share a teary goodbye as UZ shuts down and he promises he'll find her (Narrator: "He won't.") The Queen self destructs the tactical cube because Voyager and the Klingon are kicking it's ass. Janeway and B'Elanna effortlessly go back to being human. Tuvok "will need a little more time" but of cousre he'll just be normal in the next episode.

I never got into it. The whole thing with Janeway, B'Elanna and Tuvok letting themselves by assimilated is really stupid and not a good way to start the episode. I hate how they just use Tuvok as a jabroni who can't handle it while the other two can and he doesn't even get a redeeming moment in the end. Of course the worst thing is that assimilation means nothing now. Nothing about the Borg feels special at all anymore. The Queen is here and outside that one scene with the kid she's just...there. Could be any other villain. I don't really care much about Seven and Axum's romance despite Jeri Ryan as always being the best part of any given episode. The way things play out in the end is fine but I don't want any more Borg episodes. EVER.

SCORE: 5.5/10
 
CaptainWacky said:
Since it's a season finale, she expects Chakotay to refuse to help, but Chakotay actually thinks it's a good idea and agrees with her.
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Imperfection - Voyager has found a home for Mizoti and the twins (Icheb is staying.) Did Scarlett Pomer get them fired so she'd be the only cute kid? They hug Seven before they go and Seven is instantly ready to deactivate their alcoves. Then she starts crying and wonders if her ocular implant is malfunctioning. The Doctor says it's a "glitch" but she soon fains and the Doc tells her her body is rejecting her implants. She needs a new cortical node and Janeway of course decides to steal one from the Borg (Chakotay says "it's ot ever day we go looking for the Borg!" which is hilarious because they fucking do.) There's also a subplot about Icheb wanting to take Starfleet exams going on and Seven keeps her illness from him until Janeway tells him. Seven doesn't want sympathy from Icheb or anyone and reacts angrily to him the Doc. Janeway, Tuvok and Tom take the Delta Flyer (yep it's rebuilt which will make slightly more sense after the next episode as the order of them was swapped about) to a Borg debris field to find a new node. This would be a good opportunity to delver into Tuvok's past Borg trauma but lol. Some Asshole Aliens show up and claim that it's "their" debris field. Tom beams the away team out just in time and they escape in the Flyer after a chase scene. Neelix tries to cheer Seven up and the Doc uses reverse psychology on her to let him stay. The Doc inserts the new node but we're only halfway through the episode so it doesn't work yet.

Actually Seven DIES, but it was just a simulation the Doc and Janeway were running. Janeway suggest stealing a node from a live drone because she'd literally kill for Seven. The Doc and Janeway give Seven the bad news and Seven doesn't think their continued efforts will be successful. She breaks out of Sickbay and goes to Engineering. She asks B'Elanna if she believes in an afterlife and B'Elanna just gives a standard "I hope so" answer instead of talking about her experience in 'Barge of the Dead'. Seven talks about how dead drones live on in a way as memories of the Collective, but she's cut off from the Borg anyway and everything about her will be lost. The Doc agrees to let Seven stay in Engineering after a nice moment between her and B'Elanna. Seven accepts that she's going to die but Icheb says he won't give up on her. Icheb goes to the Doc and volunteers to donate his own node to Seven. The Doc thinks that would kill Icheb, but he's done research that shows he can adjust to living without his node. Seven leads a list of dead redshirts to Janeway and says Janeway accepted their deaths but won't accept Seven's because Janeway feels her tast of turing Seven into an individual is incomplete. Seven apologises for letting her down but Janeway says she's exceeded her expectations. Seven doesn't want to let Icheb risk the node implant and Icheb tells Janeway he should order her to. Icheb takes matters into his own hands and turns his node off, to prove he can live without it (he can, but he's all sweaty.) Icheb wins Janeway, the Doc and finally Seven over. The operation is a success, obviously. Seven adapts to the new node after six days of regenerating. She visits the still recovering Icheb and starts crying. The Doc reports that her ocular implant is functioning perfectly. This would be a great ending...if it wasn't almost word for word the same scene as Data crying over finding Spot in 'Generations.'

It's an episode that starts out feeling too familiar, as a lot of Voyager episodes too. I'm sure Seven has malfunctioned before and we've certainly seen the crew stealing from the Borg more than enough times. But once it becomes about Seven facing death it starts being a really good episode. Jeri Ryan is impressive as always, some of the other characters are used well (Chakotay, Harry and Tom are basically deadweight and poor Tuvok is neglected as always..but the others are fine!) and the guy playing Icheb gives a surpisingly strong performance too. So yeah, it's hard to go wrong with a Seven episode even if it would be nice to get a fucking Tuvok episode or two every season.

SCORE: 8.5/10


Drive - Tom and Harry take the NEWLY REBUILT (yes this one should have been episode two like I said!) Delta Fyer for a test flight. A girl in another ship shows up and challenges them to a drag race. The DF wins and Harry almost instantly falls for the girl. She tells them about a space race course nearby as she's on her way to podrace there. Tom and Harry want to take part in the DF too and tell Janeway the race is a celebration of peace (a war recently ended) and she goes along with it. B'Elanna is looking forward to a holo vacation with Tom and takes the Doctor's holodeck time from him (the Doc plays FUtURE GOLF in Sickbay instead, which is exactly like regular golf except the ball has flashing lights on it.) Tom asks B'Elanna if he can take part in the race instead of going on their vacation and she's fine with it...but looks sad when he leaves. B'Elanna tells Neelix she doesn't want to spoil Tom's race and sadly admits she thinks she and Tom don't belong together. Janeway meets an alien ambassador (Brian George, who played Bashir's father) to talk about the race. He reveals that there's still tensions between all the different species involved and Janeway volunteers to keep the peace. B'Elanna talks about Tom to Seven and comes up with a plan: she'll be Tom's co pilot instead of Harry so that they can spend time together. B'Elanna looks good in her flightsuit. The race begins.

Neelix takes over as race announcer from Seven and is annoying. The Flyer enters the "Mobius Inversion" which makes them invisible to Voyager, much to the annoyance of the whole crew who were into the race. B'Elanna takes a crazy risk to overtake some other ships but Tom tells her off because HE'S THE PILOT (the jerk.) The race is halted because Cute Alien Girl's co-pilot is injured after the Sebulba of the race keeps ramming her ship. But Tuvok finds it was actually SABOTAGE and the ambassador think it's an attempt to end the peace (wow that's a fragile peace.) Cute Girl and Sebulba want the race to continue so the terrorists won't win (only their opinions count I guess.) Harry takes over as the girl's co pilot. B'Elanna says Tom was expelled from the Academy which was actually Nick Locarno (Tom graduated.) It's bad when the writers can't remember his backstory. Harry tells them he's in love. I'm sure that will end well. B'Elanna tries to hint to Tom that love is nice but he doesn't really get it. Harry's new girlfriend points a gun at him because she's the real terrorist(!) but Harry, in a rare moment of competence, gets the gun from her. Tom and B'Elanna have their big relationship argument even though they're in first place. Tom shuts the ship down so they can talk about their proble (Sebulba overtakes them.) Harry's terrorist girlfriend reveals she's a racist who doesn't like race mixing and she's rigged the DF so it'll explode when it crosses the finishing line, killing lots of people. Tom and B'Elanna make up and Harry sends them a morse code message warning them they're about to blow up. Tom proposes to B'Elanna while they're in the life or death situation. Sebulba wins the race. B'Elanna accepts the proposal and later they have a honeymoon in the Flyer (we've already seen them get married two seasons again when they were made of goo anyway.)

It's okay. We get some spaceships racing. It would have been kind of fun in 2000! It's been a while since they really touched on the Tom and B'Elanna relationship, maybe too long if anything. I guess they just decided to have them married because it's the final season. It's fine but I'm not exactly invested in their relationship anymore. Then there's the running joke of Harry fallinng for the wrong girl, the problem being that it's just turned Harry as a character into a running joke. Her "oh yeah I'm racist" motivation could have been foreshadowed in some way too. So I don't know, it's fine. It's good in places. This episode is fine.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
Repression - An evil Bajoran does some evil praying over (evil) photos of Tuvok, Chakotay and B'Elanna. Tom has made a cinema showing a 3D movie in the Holodeck (B'Elanna points out the stupidity of having to wear 3D glasses in the Holodeck) and a Bajoran crewmember (the one who wanted B'Elanna to die rather than be treated by a Cardassian hologram, in fact!) is found there in a coma. Tuvok is on the case and suspects another Maquis crewmember is responsible. Tuvok talls Janeweay it's a "hunch" and she thinks this is weird. Another Maquis crewman is attacked by someone in a Jeffries tube and ends up in a coma, then the girl Tuvok suspected earlier is found in the Mess Hall. Chakotay gathers the rest of the former Maquis to (two Bolians including the one from season one! A never before seen Vulcan! A bald guy who doesn't like Tuvok!) to warn them to be careful. Tom and Harry create a blurry hologram of the attacker to show Tuvok and it's pretty clearly Tuvok himself but none of them notice. Tuvok questions Harry in a stupid scene (because a friend of Harry's was killed by the Maquis.) The Bajoran wakes from his coma and seems normal. Chakotay finds B'Elanna in a coma and is attacked by Tuvok. Tuvok uses an evil mind meld to coma-up Chuckles. If you're surprised by this twist you don't deserve to be able to watch television.

Tuvok is frustrated that he can't catch the killer and meditates. He starts having flashbacks to attacking the others. Tuvoks starts seeing the evil Bajoran and holds a phaser to Janeway, then tells her to lock him up. Tuvok tells Janeway and the Doc everything, but he still doesn't know the reason behind the attacks (he keeps shouting at the evil Head Bajoran while this is going on.) Janeway and Seven uncover a message from the evil Bajoran embedded in a letter Tuvok got from his son. Chakotay recognises him a Bajoran Vedek who worked with the Maquis and was kicked out for experimenting with mind contrl (sounds like something a priest would do!) He somehow managed to fuck with Tuvok's mind when Tuvok was undercover with the Maquis. Tuvok meditates to bring his repressed memories back in a long and fairly pointless scene (we already know he was brainwashed, we don't have to see it.) Tuvok is still wearing a commbadge despite being in the Brig and calls Chakotay and says Bajoran words to him. Chakotay is "activated" as a sleeper terrorist (or something) and activates B'Elanna and the rest of the Maquis. So are we supposed to think they were all brainwashed by the Bajoran too, or did Tuvok just turn them into baddies with mind melds like the plot of a Master of The Universe episode? Chuckles and his terrorist chums shoot all the Starfleet crew (on stun, naturally) and promise to continue the Maquis revolution...in the Delta Quadrant. Hey, this plot makes no sense! All the Maquis crew change back into their old Maqus clothes which they kept for the last seven years. Chakotay orders Tuvok to murder Janeway to prove his loyality. Are we supposed to think this is what Chakotay was like when he was in the Maquis? Okay it's actually just a test and the phaser doesn't work, but still. This action breaks the mind control over Tuvok and he turns Chakotay back into a goodie with a mind meld. They easily defeat the rest of the crew and the revolution is over five minutes before it begun. Tuvok joins the rest of the crew in watching a 3D movie and Prince Adam winks to the camera.

I said I wanted a Tuvok episode, but not like this! Instead of giving as a proper character episode, he once again goes mad (why is his mental control so easily comprimised? Oh yeah, lazy writing) and does crazy stuff. The episode drags horribly with all the scenes of him shouting at the imaginary Bajoran and doesn't get to the actual Maquis mutiny until the last ten minutes. Then it's easily shut down and everyone moves on without talking about it. This could have been an episode where they explored the Starfleet/Maquis relationship once again but nah, it's Voyager! Can't ever go too deep! Let's just have a completely empty, dull, brainwashing story instead! Terrible.

SCORE: 2/10


Critical Care - A shady looking guy sells the Doctor's program to a chaotic hospital on an industrial hellscape planet. The Doctor at first refuses to treat any patients but of course can't ignore his Hippopotamus Oath and starts helping burn victims. On Voyager, the Doc has been replaced by a fake program who can't really do much. Neelix blames himself because he gave the shady guy food poisoning and sent him to Sickbay. Fucking Neelix. The Doc tries to find a way out through a younger doctor at the hospital and learns that the place is run by a computer known as the Allocator. He also makes friends with a sickly young patient who is obviously going to die! The young guy has an illness that can be treated, but he doesn't have a high enough "TC" rating to receive treatment. The Doctor is sent up to Level Blue which looks much nicer than the lower level and where the more important people (but not necessarily more ill) are treated. The Allocator determins the level of care patients receieve based on how useful they are to society. The Doc is of course disgusted by this but the Administrator says it's the only way that works with their limited resources. Voyager tries to track down Shady Guy and meets another of his victims in one of those scenes that I'm pretty sure I've seen several times before. The Doc finds that Level Blue patients are using drugs that could save the lives of Level Red patients that they don't even need. He goes back down to Level Red and comes up with a plan with the other doctor to raise the sick boy's TV so he'll receive better treatment. When that doens't work, he orders excess drugs from Level Blue and sneaks them down to the sick kid. Voyager continues to track down Shady Guy in a scene which is improved a bit by Janeway pretending Tuvok is her lover to fool Shady Guy's girlfriend.

The Doctor steals more drugs to help cure more of the sick people on Level Red, with Sick Boy and Young Doctor helping him. The Doctor comes up with a clever lie to fool the Chief of Staff on Level Blue. Sick Boy wants to stay in the hospital to help people because he'd never get assigned a good job outside of it. But shortly after, Sick Boy dies of a secondary infection which he didn't receive treatment for as he'd already received his allotment of medication thanks to the Doctor. The Doc confronts the administrator who says Sick Boy contributed nothing to society and would have survived if he'd been stronger. He sends every other Level Red patient the Doctor treated home too because they've had all the medecine they're allowed. He's pretty evil. Shady Guy is caught and Neelix poisons him to get him to tell them where the Doctor is. The Doctor is put under tighter constraints and tries to get help from Young Doctor again. He has a plan to heal everyone on Level Red and YD sneaks him down. The Doc injects the Administrator with the same virus that Sick Boy had. He shows the Administrator what it's like to be refused treatment by rigging the Allocator not to treat him. The only way the Administrator can save his own life is by ordering medecine for everyone in Level Red. The Level Blue Chief of Staff won't treat the Administrator either (the Doctor made a deal with him) because he isn't allocated it, but has the Administrator and the other patients moved up to Level Blue. Back on Voyager, the Doctor asks Seven to check his program is working properly, as he is feeling guilty for poisoning the evil dude.

It's an old fashioned Star Trek message episode about unfair heatlh care systems. It's not subtle, but this is Star Trek and it doesn't really have to be subtle It's good to have a Voyager episode that's actually about anything, though I will note that if this had been a TOS episode Kirk would have gone even further and managed to change the health care system for the whole planet. All the Doc achieves is saving a few lives. But it's good!

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
Inside Man - Harry and Seven pick up the latest data stream from home. This one contains a hologram of none other than Reg Barclay. A super confident Reg Barclay (think Ace Rimmer) who brings the big news that Starfleet has found a way to bring Voyager home. Barclay gets a loan of the EMH's mobile emitter and the Doctor is fine with it because Reg is such a great guy. Reg wins the rest of the crew over as he praises them all while handing out assignments. Tom brings up to Harry how all their attempts to go home always fail so this one probably will too. Reg tells Seven that she's super popular back in the Alpha Quadrant and everyone wants to meet her, which feels a little like meta commentary on Seven being the best character (it's a nice scene really.) Back at Pathfinder the real Barclay tells his boss Pete that something went wrong with the transmission of his hologram and he wants to try again next month. Barclay comes running in while Pete is showing some children around Pathfinder, believing that his hologram has been assimilated by the Borg. Pete tells him to take a vacation. This feels like a repeat of 'Pathfinder' last season but lamer. The Doc tells holographic Reg that he's worried the plan to get the crew home won't wokr but Reg blows him off. Holo Reg sends a message back to the AQ...to three evil cackling Ferengi. The Voyager crew really will die on the trip back to the AQ and the Ferengi are going to steal Seven's nano probes (it's always about nano probes)! Real Reg shows up on a beach where Troi is sunbathing, stalking his therapist on her holiday. They manage to name drop Riker, Data and Geordi within a minute. They walk down the beach talking about Reg's recent relationship break up. He suspects the girl has something to do with his missing hologram, but didn't want to admit it to Pete. This scene had none of the sparkle of their scenes together last season.

Holo Reg talks in Janeeay's voice to the delight of the easily amused crew. Holo Reg threatens the Doctor when the Doc wants to play golf with him. Reg's ex is questioned by Admiral Paris with Reg, Troi and Pete present. She's actually a Dabo girl who works in a Ferengi casino but won't admit to any crimes to Paris. Troi gets her to talk by threatening to have her sent to a mental hospital. She tells Reg about the nano probes when he asks if she ever cared about him at all (she didn't he's a loser lol.) The Doc tells Janeway of his suspicions regarding Holo Reg. She runs some tests on Holo Reg with B'Elanna and they show nothing is wrong. The Doctor apologises. Err, okay, I guess B'Elanna just isn't good at running tests? Real Reg finally figures out the Ferengi plan as Voyager prepars to fly into a star to make the trip home (sounds dangerous!) Holo Reg impersonates Seven when she notices something is wrong. Real Reg sends a message to the Ferengi, pretending to be his own hologram and telling them Voyager knows the truth and is going to kick their arses unless they close the space fold. Holo Reg kidnaps Seven and tries to fly her through the fold in an escape pod but fails. Poor little Harry's sad because they didn't get home. Tom and B'Elanna then easily fool him into thinking Voyager's found another way home. It's sad how Harry's character is now completely just HAHAHA HARRY SUCKS. Troi sets Barclay up with another girl. I'm sure that will end well.

This episode starts off fairly entertaining with the Barclay hologram. Dwight Schultz is always strong and does a good job playing the more confident Barclay without making him completely over the top. He has some fairly nice scenes with most of the main cast. But it falls off a cliff once you realise it's all just another "Voyager has a chance to get home!" fakeout. The characters are even so jaded to the possiblility of getting home that ony living joke Harry Kim thinks it's possible, so there's no real drama or sadness when they discover the fraud at the end. The Alpha Quadrant scens are pretty disappointing compared to those in season six. Troi gets one good bit with the Dabo girl but otherwise is fairly pointless and Reg is back to being an idiot who was fooled by a con artist (and I think this is his last appearance ever so this is how we must always remember him!) If it's meant to be a comedy episode it should have been funnier because it didn't work as drama.

SCORE: 5/10
 
Reg shows up again in the finale, but it's in the "future" timeline that Old Admiral Janeway obliterates. I think he's also seen briefly in the end with Admiral Paris.
 
Body and Soul - The Delta Flyer, with Seven, Harry and The Doctor onboard, is attacked by some alien bastards who think the Doctor is a photonic terrorist. The Doctor is apparently killed when they disrupt his matrix, but Seven sure seems to be acting strangely after. When she and Harry are locked up on the alien ship, she reveals that she's actually the Doctor: Seven downloaded him into her "matrix" (what does that even mean) and now the Doctor controls her body (I'm not sure why his program would be able to do that but just go with it.) Back on Voyager, Paris is in charge of medical stuff and Tuvok just happens to have come down with the Pon Farr. Oops! The Doctor developed a treatment for him so everything should be fine. The Doctor enjoys being in Seven's body and eating food for the first time, even though it's just prison rations. The alien Captain question Seven/Doctor but she/he just eats lots of food with him and gets drunk. The Doc wins the guy over and gets his mobile emitter back, but Seven isn't happy once the Doc exits her and accuses him of abusing her body with all the alcohol and cake. It's just a comedic accusation of abuse though, don't worry! The Doc goes back into Seven't body and helps out the ship's first officer/medical officer Jaryn (Megan Gallagher, who appeared in two DS9 episodes and is good looking.) The Doc tries to make her understand why holograms rebelled on her home world. The Doc's treatment for Tuvok isn't working so Paris suggests he have sex with a hologram of his wife. But the holo-racist aliens just happen to show up and disrupt the wife hologram, killing Tuvok's boner.

Jaryn tries to set Doctor as Seven up with her brother and Doc is annoyed that Jaryn doesn't have the hots for him herself. Which doesn't make much sense since it would make Jaryn a lesbian and Doc's a guy. Wouldn't he want her to like guys? He's not going to be in Seven's body forever. The ship's Captain on the other hand DOES have the hots for Doc as Seven and tries to kiss him. Doc is also disgusted to learn that Jaryn has the hots of the Captain (this is all getting a bit cliched.) Doc gets a massage from Jaryn after suffering a spasm and becomes aroused in Seven's body. Harry does the old "fake an illness" thing to get to see Doc again. Seven gets to control her body long enough to tell Doc off for his lust. The Doc tells her that Seven should let herself enjoy life more. Doc goes back into Seven and takes advantage of the Captain's attraction to him as part of Harry's plan to escape. Doc lets Seven's hair down and dances with the Captain then knocks him out. He contacts Voyager who escape the aliens that attacked them earlier and head off for a rescue attempt. Jaryn wakes up the Captain as Voyager arrives. There's a fight, the Doc goes back into his emitter and helps Seven, the ship's Captain is hurt by an exploding console. The Doctor saves the Captain's life and maybe he and Jaryn won't be as racist against holograms now, eh! Tuvok finally gets to have sex with his holo wife and is healthy again. He thanks Tom but says sex with his real wife is better. Seven eats food in front of the Doctor so he can enjoy it (pervert.)

The story here isn't really much. There's some aliens who hate holograms, they capture some of the crew, the crew escape. There's not any depth given to their dislike of holograms so it's all pretty shallow. It's all just an excuse to let Jeri Ryan showcase her acting abilities and fortunately she's A GREAT DEAL OF FUN as th Doctor so the episode works. Ryan just nail's Picardo's mannerisms and even though she's a theatrical at tims it's not like Picardo is subtle when playing the Doctor so it all totally works. Much better than that Red Dwarf episode where Lister and Rimmer swapped bodies but they dubbed the voices so Lister still sounded like Lister in Rimmer's body (what the fuck were they thinking!) and the other way around. Jeri Ryan is good.

SCORE: 8/10


Nightingale - Voyager is grounded (literaly on a planet) for repairs and Icheb impresses B'Elanna by fixing something. Harry, Seven and Neelix are off in the Delta Flyer looking for dilithium. They come across a ship (claiming to be a medical ship) being attacked by another ship. Harry doesn't want to get involved at first but takes out the attackng ship's weapons when Neelix whines. The medical ship's Captain and all senior officers are killed with just one young officer left (KIND OF LIKE HARRY) and some passengers including Ron Glass. Harry starts repairing their ship and the young officer asks how long he's been a Captain (lol.) B'Elanna invites Icheb to climb rocks. Harry gets the ship up and running. Book tells him no one onboard knows how to fly it and they need Harry's help because they've got vaccines to deliver. Harry gets them back to the planet where Voyager is but it's surrounded by the hostile aliens from before. Janeway is trying to trade with them and their leader seems like a nice guy. Book warns they're actually evil dudes. Harry meets with Janeway and tries to convince her to let him Captain the ship with his new friends home with their imporant vaccines. He says if they were back home he'd be a Lt. Commander by now (really?) so he's up to the job. Janeway makes him takes Seven since she's the most popular character. Icheb asks the Doctor for help determining if someone is attracted to him.

Harry finally takes command (after some time wasting scenes) and calls the ship 'Nightingale' after Florence. He's soon recording a log stating he was born for command and putting his feet up on on the (dead) Captain's desk. Harry soon turns into a total asshole, not letting Young Officer change course without stepping in to take over and shouting at Book on the Bridge. Seven tells him she's discovered a serious flaw in one of the ship's systems...ITS CAPTAIN. She explains to him how a Captain should behave. Surely he should undestand that better than her? The Nightingale's cloak fails and it's attacked by the other aliens. Seven is knocked out. Book and the other passenger ignore Harry's orders and get the cloak working, but the other passenger dies doing so. Harry isn't very good, is he. Harry figures out that Book isn't a doctor and the truth comes out: the ship is actually a prototype for a new cloak and that's why they have to get it home. There's no vaccines. Book says it's still a life or death situation because the other aliens have a blockade around their planet and they need the cloak to get food and supplies in. Harry orders them to take the ship back to Voyager but they mutiny instead (in a non-exciting way.) The Icheb/B'Elanna scenes are still going on. He's awkward. Tom challenges him to a drag race and Icheb thinks the winner get to shag B'Elanna. I think. It's dumb. Icheb tells B'Elanna he scanned her and found she was around and it's inappropriate. B'Elanna is angry at first but then plays along. This is all very weird and unfunny. Seven tells Harry that he has to see the mission through and get the ship back to its home planet, and he can't blame himself for the woman dying because that happens sometimes (again, Harry should know that by now.) Harry returns to the Bridge and takes command. The bad(?) aliens attack the Nightingale and Harry surrenders to them. But it's all a lie and he threatens to self destruct the ship to destroy the cloaking device. Harry does a technobabble thing to escape the bad guy's tractor beam and gets the Nightingale to the planet. Harry tells Neelix he's not a Captain...NOT YET ANYWAY.

It's an attempt to finally do something with Harry but it feels like too little too late. He doesn't feel like he's progressed as a character since season one and this episode doesn't change that. He twice needs told what to do by Seven, who isn't even in Starfleet. He ends the episode by telling Neelix he isn't ready for command yet. So the message seems to be...Harry commanding a ship isn't a good idea. So what's the point of Harry then? Then again we are supposed to be impressed by the scene where he succeeds in getting the cloak to the planet, so maybe the episode is saying that Harry's learned a lot in the last seven years? It would help if Garrett Wang was at least even a decent actor, but he's really not. He's super weak here. There's a big scene where he marches back onto the the Bridge to take command that doesn't work at all because Wang just plays it like he does every other Harry Kim scene. The Icheb/B'Elanna story is supeer weird (and kind of mean to Icheb) too and falls flat for me. So this isn't one of the worst episodes ever or anything but I don't think it worked as intended at all (if they even knew what they were intending.)

SCORE: 4.5/10
 
Ya know... I'm not remembering some of these. Good thing? Bad thing? Another argument entirely, but some of these plots are not ringing bells.
 
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