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Who shot Lily Allen?

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
By now we've all adjusted to having seen Lily Allen collapse on the sun dial, having been shot by a mystery person. Shocking as it was (and I wish Lily a speedy recovery!) we must now get down to the business of solving this horrible crime. I've compiled a list of the prime suspects.

Cliff Richard - The prime suspect, of course. Lily's ex-boyfriend who has posted nothing but hate about her on Twitter for the last two months. All because she cheated on him with Boy George. Has the seemingly airtight alibi of "I was buggering Jedward at the time of the shooting" but what if Jedward are lying to protect him...

Dave Benson Philips - Look at his face. The eyes of a killer.

Anne Hathaway - Let's face it, she's always had it in for Lily going back to the time Lily ran over her foot with a steamroller.

Taz(z) - Sent the cryptic tweet "TNA Impact is dying...but so is Lily Allen!" days before the shooting (it's a wrestling company.)

Jada Pinkett Smith - Sent the cyrptic tweet "I plan to shoot Lily Allen next to a sun dial" hours before the shooting.

Alfie Allen - Did he finally get sick of his sister writing songs about him masturabting and smoking weed, so that he could say "as well as masturbating and smoking weed I also shoot my sister sometimes!"?

Nana Visitor - Where was she at the time of the shooting? Nobody knows.

Bubble from Big Brother 2 - Always on these lists by default.

Charlie Sheen - Attempting to relaunch his career as a "wacky murderer"? I wouldn't put it past him.

Emma Watson - Hates Lily Allen for telling JK Rowling "nah, don't write a Hermione spin-off series, do some shit prequel instead, innit!" that time.

Gagh - The TK legend has always said he'd shoot Lily Allen one day. But was it this day!?

Add your own suspects to the list!
 
Also, her song "Fuck You" is one of the most insanely hypocritical odes to oblivious stupidity ever penned, let alone recorded -- so even though I didn't do it, it's only because I hadn't got around to it yet.
 
If Nana did it, she wouldn't have left a trace behind, so they'll never catch her.

It means she lost a lover, of course. But that's usually the cost of doing business for her.
 
I see somebody disliked my post about the hypocrisy of that one Lily Allen song -- but when a song is ostensibly about how hate is wrong, but then includes the charming titular exhortation of "Fuck You" and the word "hate" in the chorus -- twice in as many lines -- there's just no word for that other than hypocrisy. :)

But that's how progressives minds work -- tolerance is so "important" to them that they'll throw it under the bus at the slightest chance to go Rottweiler on those who don't conform to their own views.
 
TOLERATE THE INTOLERANCE OF OTHERS YOU INTOLERANT TYRANT! :rwmad:

EVIDENCE IT WAS, IN FACT, THE SAINT!
 
Tulisa ConstaGreekName - Basically, until she dies the Daily Mail will blame her for every bit of shit under the sun, so this murder is par for the course.
 
I'd like to submit the manager of Arsenal, one Arsène Wenger.

Clearly anybody who would manage Arsenal is capable of shooting Lily Allen.
 
Cassie said:
TOLERATE THE INTOLERANCE OF OTHERS YOU INTOLERANT TYRANT! :rwmad:

EVIDENCE IT WAS, IN FACT, THE SAINT!
Click to expand...

Well, it's pretty intolerant to characterize, "I don't support it." as "I won't stand for it, MRAWR RAWR RAWR!"

It's a big, nasty guilt trip -- "YOU WILL BE A CHEERLEADER FOR THE CAUSES I PICK OUT FOR YOU OR ELSE!"
 
I think there's one prime suspect we're overlooking. See, in 20 years, Lily Allen will take a hard right turn, politically. Then she'll go back in time and shoot HERSELF.

We should be looking very closely at LILY ALLEN OF THE FA-YOOT-CHERRRRR imo
 
The Honey Monster - You never see him on tv anymore. Because he's busy shooting Lily Allen? Also he's a monster.
 
Well, we who watch what Susie says now know who it was. The mystery has been solved -- our own little Susie Salmon did it, the MURDEROUS TART.
 
Cheryl Cole - changed her name back to Cheryl Tweedy, got her in a club toilet and punched her face shouting I KNOW YOU ARE BLACK YOU BITCH, IF I PUNCH HARD ENOUGH I CAN SEE IT.

(too much?)
 
Well it sounds like something she'd do.

Jade Goody's Mum With The One Arm - We haven't seen much of Jade Goody's one-armed mother since Jade died. Could have been up to anything.
 
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